Forgetting I’m blind

At the weekend I took part in a quiz night with a group of friends. Upon arrival, J, who had picked me up, settled me into a nice comfy settee next to my teammate S, and we proceeded to catch-up.


After a while, as my beer was going down too quickly, I said to S “Do you mind going to the bar and getting me a bottle of wine with a straw in it so that I don’t have to move from this position all night please”.


Thinking I was serious, he asked “Are you sure? Who’s driving?”


I immediately asked everyone for their attention before repeating S’s faux pas! S spent the rest of the night apologising, and I spent the rest of the night telling him not to worry about it.


Not more than 5 minutes after this, another of the group had apparently turned up and waved at me to say hello, and was somewhat perturbed by my lack of reciprocation!


I take situations like this as a compliment .


Not long ago my boss, in a trendy Manchester restaurant, asked me if I’d read the menu ..


Later that same night I repeatedly left one of the group hanging when he kept trying to give me a high-five without telling me that was what he was doing …


Last year a friend of 30 years was rebuked by his wife when he was visibly getting frustrated by my repeated refusal to take back my phone as he kept holding it out in front of me… “What are you doing” she said.  “Trying to give him his phone back” he said.  “But how does he know it’s there” she asked.  “What do you mean” he said.  “Andy’s blind, remember?!” … “Oh yeah, sorry mate” he said as it dawned on him.


Surely it has to be a good thing that people often forget that I’m blind? And it’s hardly surprising, as I forget for the majority of the time!!

A warm wet feeling watching Love Island!

I watched Love Island – the programme I love to hate – with R the other night.  I must have been feeling moderately chirpy as I invited Alfie up onto the settee for a change – he couldn’t believe it!

As I sat immersed in the televisual treat that is LI, tickling R’s feet – under pain of death (!) – and stroking Alfie, I commented on how warm it was, this comment being the result of me noticing that I was warm where R’s feet were resting on my legs, and quite clammy where Alfie was laid against my hip.

As this warm clammy feeling on my leg steadily spread, I enquired as to whether R thought it was hot as well; she didn’t think it was particularly.

Upon standing to get snacks, it became clear that the feeling on my hip was not the result of me sweating, but the result of Alfie peeing!!

Needless to say, he won’t be getting invited up onto the settee again!

Wet pants


I love to go a-wandering … down the middle of the road!!

A few FB posts guaranteed to put a smile on your face!


20 March 2016


Thanks to the old man who kindly highlighted my faux pas this morning as I was absent mindedly strolling along with the dog enjoying the sunshine and birdsong…. “Mate, you’re in the middle of the road!” All I could manage was a sheepish “thanks” and a rather embarrassed grin! Appears I must have stepped down a curb at a side street and was oblivious to having missed the up curb – whoops!!


27 March 2016


Serendipity has struck!! Golden Balls has accidentally found a way for me to control the Sky box through my phone, which means I can use the planner for the first time ever!! It’s like fecking Christmas!!! Looks like my love affair with Dave and his slightly younger brother Dave-ja Vu is over – it was fun boys, but things have changed!!


8 June 2016


So tired this morning I mistakenly put coffee on my Weetabix rather than sugar … What a muppet!!


4 July 2016

Nice start to the week, up at 5 to get J up for his week’s work experience playing with trains. I hope he plays better than he did as a toddler – he used to have me set up the most complex track systems ever known to man – well, to a blind man anyway – which used to take me an hour of fumbling with the track, killing my back and knees, and after pushing his train round for a maximum of two minutes, he’d demand we did something else, the little fecker!!


Add another bookmaker to the list!

I recently won a not insignificant amount of money from a bet placed with Ladbrokes on a horse called Diamond Lady at 12/1. Don’t get me wrong, whilst it was a nice sum, it was by no means life changing, and I certainly didn’t feel like treating my loved ones like I usually do when I have what I consider to be a large pay-out!


Despite having bet with Ladbrokes since the last millennium, this was enough for them to (effectively) close my account! I’ve tried to place two bets since then, and on both occasions they declined to take my bet – the cowards!!  This is what bookies usually do; they don’t have the bottle to tell you that your account has been closed – although Stan James and Victor Chandler did send me an email (!) – they just refuse to take your bets.


So that’s now 9 of the big bookies that won’t take my bets anymore, and one of the two that will still take my bets often politely declines, so shall we call it 9 ½??!!


How very frustrating …..

Pure loo-nacy!

As it’s M’s birthday this week, I travelled to Scarborough on Saturday to spend most of the day with her. As it happened, it turned out to be a day of disabled toilet mishaps!


I was met from my train at 9:30 am by M and whisked straight off to Wethersppons for breakfast, and I was allowed the privilege of paying! The sausage sandwich I had was one of the best I’ve had for a long time, and one of the cheapest as well – I’ll definitely be going back there!


M informed me that the disabled toilet was a few metres away from my left shoulder if I needed to use it, so I thought I would. I opened the door, and locked it behind me.  I searched for the toilet; after two minutes I still hadn’t found it!  Eventually, I found a second door the had to be pulled open, and therein was the toilet – nothing like overly complicating things!!


After a few more purchases, interspersed with coffee, we lunched on the seafront – what lovely views over the harbour!


Our final stop before my train back was at Costa. In preparation for my 2 hour journey home, I asked M if there was a disabled toilet.


“Yes there is dad, do you want me to come in with you, or will you be alright this time?” she kindly asked.


My response was short and to the point … However, I soon regretted this decision!


As most disabled people will be aware, and a reasonable percentage of non-disabled people who either can’t be bothered to queue or who prefer to do no. 2s in private, the loos in disabled toilets are often (but not always) slightly higher than non-disabled toilets, whereas sinks are often (but not always) considerably lower than sinks in mainstream toilets. Given my aversion to touching toilets – you never know what you’ll find on the seats – I tend to rely on height and the crack of porcelain on my stik as I search.  Therefore, I put it to you that it would be perfectly explicable and definitely excuseable should one ever mistake one for the other …. I choose at this point to say no more other than I did realise my mistake – the more observant of you will note that I have not said at what point I realised my mistake though!!


After an interesting journey home from Scarborough to Leeds, the highlight of which was undoubtedly listening to a group of thirty/fortysomethings women travelling from Malton to York who were drinking cans of cider and collectively trying to think of all the alternative words they knew for both male and female genitalia (in between extolling the virtues of each others boobs!), I once again needed the toilet – definitely too much coffee!


The passenger assistance guy who was helping me to change onto the Wakefield train informed me that we had 15 minutes between trains; plenty of time for yet another disabled toilet stop!


After battling through a large group of passengers who were all congregated outside the disabled toilet on the platformside, the guy told me we had reached our destination; I took out my Rader key and opened the door. After shutting the door behind me, I once again found myself looking for the toilet (not the sink!  But it was easier said than done, as this was a massive room.  The first thing I found was definitely a sink, and I smirked when I realised that it was much higher than usual, then a bin, then  baby changing station, etc, etc.  After painstakingly exploring this living room size space, I found the loo – bingo!  Suitably relieved, I returned to the door, or at least where I thought it was … trouble is, it wasn’t!  The minutes or so it took to find the way out seemed like a lot longer, I can tell you, and after the anxiety sweatfest engendered by a feeling of being lost/trapped, I definitely didn’t need to go again before I got home, thankfully!

Nutty surprise!

I’ve had a proper fun day today, sat up to my kitchen table working on proper legal stuff for 10 hours straight!


With no time to waste, but feeling a little low on energy, I went to my special drawer and pulled out my bag of mixed nuts for a quick energy boost. I briefly noticed that the usual elastic band around the packet was missing, but I was too hungry to worry about that.


I craned my neck backwards, and poured a mouthful of nuts into my mouth and imeediately started to greedily munch like I hadn’t eaten for days. It didn’t take me long to realise that something was wrong ….


It wasn’t my packet of mixed nuts; it was R’s packet of pistachio nuts, complete with extremely hard, sharp shells!! What a nutty mess – there was shell shrapnel everywhere!!

An unusual delivery by the postman!!

I was wondering why Alfie the dog wasn’t interested in his food after our walk this morning despite my best urgings; I presumed he was feeling ill, especially after a concerned lady stopped me during our walk and said that “your little doggy is looking really tired”!


However, that wasn’t the immediate reason, as I realised when the postman delivered him to my front door along with the more usual pile of letters!! As usual, I’ve was convinced he came back in with me; perhaps I should keep his lead on until I close the door in future??!!


Thanks postie!!