Wired for sound, and then some!

Andy with extra long wired headphones


In order to prevent my PA from being driven mad by my Jaws screen reader, I use a set of headphones … or at least I did until I crushed them under my chair after they fell off when I stood up a couple of weeks ago. For those of you who don’t know what Jaws sounds like, it’s like Stephen Hawkin on speed!!

My new headphones turned up today, but does anyone else think the wire for my new headphones is excessively long?!

I’ve got a feeling that my PA might have read metres as centimetres when she was ordering them for me! Or perhaps when I said that I’d like the wire long enough to enable me to move around my office without having to constantly remove them, she thought I meant around the entirety of the office rather than just my little realm?!

At least I won’t have to remove my headphones when I attend meetings in the next couple of offices now, and we could use them as a skipping rope on quieter days!!

“Have you tried carrots mate? They’re really good for your eyes”!!

Whilst I desperately try to find time to write a blog post about my recent holiday to Sorrento, Italy, here’s a few FB posts to be going on with, including the inspiration for my blog name!


17 December 2015


OMG, tonight a taxi driver who didn’t believe that nothing could be done for my sight seriously suggested that I should eat more carrots!!! Why didn’t I think of that!


22 January 2016


I’m home alone this weekend, but that’s not what’s making me nervous … It’s the full cup of tea which I made for M which she denies all knowledge of, is not where I left it and which is, I deduce therefore, waiting somewhere for me to knock over! What odds on a ruined iPhone (again!) later?!


27 February 2016


Oh feck! A mile away from home with the dog and I’ve broken my stick – the end has just fallen off! Now here’s where the Jedi training comes in handy!!

Oracle or mystic? Now that’s careers advice!

Over the weekend I introduced GF to Anchorman II (the legend continues). It, and especially Will Ferrell,  never fails to make me lol (as common parlance would have it!).


For those who have not seen it, you’re missing a treat, especially in the non-PC way that it deals with blindness! Without spoiling the plot, one of the characters loses their sight in an accident, and that’s where the ridiculous way of looking at this issue begins, because he uses it as an excuse basically for not being able to do the most basic of functions.


My favourite part always used to be the part about him mistakenly rubbing his shin, but it’s now been superseded by a part that I had previously missed.  Upon learning that he is blind because “his retinas had detached from their corneas” – check the inaccurate physiology-   he asks his doctor what he can do now that he is blind.  The response:


“I’m no career counsellor, but there are many things that you can do. Be an oracle, or a mystic!”


The only part which tugged at my heartstrings was when the blind character pleads with his friends to come back after he has driven them away, as he’s “all alone” – I really do count my blessings sometimes.


Being a realist, I’ve taken the decision that if I find myself with no other options, I’ll become an oracle; although my betting might suggest otherwise, I don’t think I have the gift for being a mystic, and oracle ties in closely with the legal training!


I heartily recommend all to watch the wonderful Anchorman II and as a blind person say that it’s alright to laugh with gusto at the blind references.

Looky-likey triplets? Really??!!

I attended a funeral yesterday of my friend GG, with whom I quizzed every month or so along with a group of friends.  The subject of the quiz cropped up every now and again, and especially my picture round abilities, and it led me to recant the following story.


A “friend” (who shall remain nameless) attended my favourite quiz with me a few months ago at the Coach and Horses in Rothwell, Leeds. To put it mildly, we didn’t fare very well! The writing was on the wall with the picture round…


We had twelve pictures to identify; there was the usual mix of people, objects, landmarks, artwork and a sports badge, etc.


My teammate did the usual thing of describing the pictures for me so that I can have a guess. The only one we answered correctly was as follows: “It’s a photo which looks like it’s from the 60s or 70s, and it’s a Policeman in uniform complete with the tall helmet”.  Any guesses?!


I guessed Dixon of Dock Green, and it was correct – Boom!!


However, the best answer came from the following: “It looks like an Indian gentleman, wearing smart clothes with no collar …. or it could be a woman, I’m not really sure!” After taking a few minutes to think, my companion said that it might be a young Gandhi.  As I couldn’t really add much to the musings, Gandhi was our answer.


After swopping papers at the end of the quiz, I was extremely surprised to hear that our neighbours had said that the Indian man/woman was in fact Myra Hindley!


Now I’ve seen both of the above, and as far as I recall, they look nothing like each other! Doubt set in, and my teammate decided that our neighbours were right and we were wrong.  “Glad to see the landlord is keeping it light tonight” was my bemused comment.  “Perhaps the one that you said looked like Rowan Atkinson in Black Adder II was really Peter Sutcliffe!”


As it happened, we were both wrong! The actual answer?  Elvis fecking Presley!!  What the feck!!


How on earth can you confuse the King with either Gandhi or Myra Hindley??!! I just can’t see it myself – pun intended!!


I sometimes wonder what planet these sighted people are on … Although, come to think of it, has anyone ever seen all three in a room together?! Makes you think doesn’t it??!


As a post-script, my “friend” did a bit of research, and found an article which suggested that Elvis’s great great great grandmother was an Indian ……. As my “friend” conceded that said “Indian” relative was a native American, and not from the Indian sub-continent, the lunacy remains!

Parking problems in Manchester

Happy Monday! A few FB posts for your delight!


11 November 2015


One could start to go off Manchester … Just got a parking ticket for being over the line – if it was, I couldn’t tell! That’s the last time I park – will just stick to motorway driving from now on….


20 November 2015


Now that’s what I call a fog! I couldn’t see a fecking thing this morning.  It took me ages to find the dog after I dropped the lead!  Be careful on the roads you guys, please.


24 November 2015


Good job R is here …. She just saved me from using cottage cheese instead of crème fraiche in my lasagne recipe – wonder what it would have tasted like lol!!


A good hard kick up the noughties

I was reminded of an amusing historical event today when I “accidentally” kicked SW, my pilates instructor, up the bottom whilst she was picking up my water bottle for me! Btw, as I’m always caring about my readers, I asked if she’d pose for a photo to recreate the incident, but rather unsurprisingly she (not so) politely declined my request J!


Back in the noughties when we lived in Bridlington, my mum often picked the kids up from school.  J, being an extremely excitable 5 year old, always exploded out of the classroom like a cork from a champagne bottle, and sped around the playground screaming and shouting like a lunatic.  My mum relayed what happened thereafter on this particular day:


“You know the lovely receptionist from the dentists, well she was collecting her granddaughter, and her granddaughter’s shoelaces had come undone, so she had squatted down to tie them and J just ran up behind her and kicked her up the bum, really hard, in fact it was so hard, she fell over into a bush!  I’ve never been so embarrassed.  I apologised to her and she said that it was alright, but it’s not alright, is it?”


I felt compelled as a responsible parent to take action … I called J in to tell him off; the only problem was that I couldn’t stop smiling!  As I was in the middle of my stretching regime in preparation for my track session later that evening, I took up a position laid on my back on the floor, with my arm covering my face to try and maintain at least some sense of authority.


“J, you’ve been very naughty and upset Grandma. You shouldn’t kick people up the bottom, now get to your room and stay there until I say you can come out”.


I thought I’d pulled it off, but after only two steps, J turned round and walked back towards me.  He stood over me, bent down and tickled my forehead with his finger.


“I only did it because I knew it would make you laugh, and I know you’re laughing because I can see your ears are wiggling”


So not for the first time, and I doubt for the last time, it was all my fault; the cheeky little monkey!


At least I doubt he’d do it now if presented with the same opportunity, probably because it would involve too much effort!!

Backless bench + blind man – communication = embarrassment!!

A few more FB posts!


22 October 2015


Obviously not at my best this morning … Doing the good dad thing of ironing J’s shirt for school, but somehow got confused and picked up a bottle of fabric conditioner thinking it was the iron – it was only when I couldn’t find a plug attached to it that I realised my mistake!! I’d like to say the day can only get better but I am somewhat sceptical the way things are going at the moment.


22 October 2015


Not sure what’s going to happen next, but I’m beginning to think that I must have done something bad to upset the cosmos … After my earlier ironing mishap, not only did I manage to accidentally switch the en suite shower on when cleaning it whilst stood inside it fully clothed, but now I’ve just made a right tit of myself in a crowded waiting room at Leeds train station! The guy helping me found me the last seat, but neglected to tell me that it was a bench without a back rest … You can guess what happened next lol!! It’s a good job he didn’t have time to help me get a latte first!!


3 November 2015


OMG!! I think Golden Balls has taken too many head shots at rugby, as he’s just set out to take the dog for a walk, but forgot the dog! Admittedly, he didn’t get far, but what a muppet!!